A personal reflection on grief, stigma, and growth, written on the 10th anniversary of my dad’s death, to foster understanding and inspire hope.

On 10 July 2023, the 10th anniversary of my dad’s death by suicide, I sat down to reflect on the decade that has passed since I witnessed the aftermath of his decision.

My dad, who was 82 at the time, didn’t leave a note to explain why (it wasn’t his style), but I believe his choice was tied to his physical and mental decline and an impending Parkinson’s diagnosis.

Over ten years later, here are the top 10 things that still surprise me about life after suicide.

With my dad in 2010, three years before he died

1. “Did That Really Happen?”: Living with the Lingering Disbelief of Sudden Loss

Sometimes, I still can’t believe it actually happened — and I’m not sure I ever will. Every now and then, I’m overwhelmed by disbelief, questioning whether it truly happened, as is often the sudden and traumatic nature of bereavement by suicide.

Image credit: Buddha Elemental on Unsplash

2. Shame and Stigma: Why the Conversation Around Suicide Still Needs to Change

Despite some progress, there’s still too much shame and stigma attached to suicide, both for people bereaved and those experiencing suicidal feelings themselves.

3. The Trauma Never Fully Leaves, But Time Helps Soften the Edges

Time has dulled the initial shock, but the trauma remains. Certain triggers, like summer heatwaves (it was stiflingly hot the day my dad died), transport me right back to that moment as if it’s hardwired into my brain.

4. Unexpected Lifelines: How Strangers Became My Greatest Support System

The best and only real support I’ve received has been through peer support. Connecting with people who “get it” has been transformative, turning strangers into trusted friends and allies.

Image credit: Neil Thomas on Unsplash

5. Peer Support vs. Therapy: Finding What Truly Helped Me Heal

While many suggested therapy after my dad’s death, peer support proved more valuable. Monthly group meetings, coffee, biscuits, and shared experiences were what I needed most.

6. The Power of Kindness (and the Damage of Silence)

People bereaved by suicide often face inappropriate or unkind responses from people who don’t understand their pain. While people usually mean well, there’s a tendency to avoid the topic entirely, which can leave us feeling unsupported and isolated.

Image credit: Ditto Bowo on Unsplash

7. “Anniversaries” Are Harder Than I Thought: Navigating Grief Milestones

I’ve never been one for marking anniversaries, but the lead-up to 10 July each year is always unsettling. The feelings of apprehension beforehand often outweigh the experience of the actual day itself.

Image credit: Engin Akyurt on Unsplash

8. Falling Through the Cracks: Why Suicide Bereavement Services Need to Improve

After my dad’s death, the police and paramedics offered little ongoing support. This inconsistency persists, leaving many bereaved by suicide to navigate an overwhelming and isolating experience with limited support.

9. Different Paths, Shared Pain: The Commonalities and Uniqueness of Suicide Grief

Every bereavement by suicide is unique in its details but shares common emotional threads like guilt, shame, anger, and sometimes, relief. Recognising these shared feelings helps foster understanding and healing.

Image credit: Haonan Zhang on Unsplash

10. From Pain to Purpose: How My Dad’s Death Shaped a New Mission in Life

My dad’s death set me on a path of personal growth and advocacy. From peer support attendee to suicide bereavement support group facilitator and beyond, I’ve embraced the opportunity to challenge stigma and support others in their journey.

Image credit: Kind and Curious on Unsplash

Thank you for reading. If you’ve found this post insightful or relatable, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please leave a comment below or share this with someone who might benefit from it. Don’t forget to subscribe to stay updated with future posts.